Category Archives: my fkn feelings

Strengths & Weaknesses

8 years ago, a boy told her, her financial ability to never rely on another, and never to worry about living a decent life was a weakness. She thought this was a strength. This made her doubt herself.

5 years ago, a boy told her, her blunt-ness and ability to talk to everyone in the room was a weakness. She grew up being told this was appreciated, she thought it was her greatest strength. This crippled her being and sew her mouth shut.

Now, another boy told her, her ambition and drive is no good for him. She thought she created a strength, an armour, for herself out of the apathy in her life. This emptied her and made her question her worth.

One day soon, she hopes to trust fully of what she knows;
Her strengths and worth are not measured by another.


The Close of Another Chapter

“Hay Tahm”,

Hope you had a good flight home.

Since you moved out, there’s been alot of my head and my heart the past 6 months; alot of thanks, and, alot of hurts. Thank you for being such a great bun-dad. Thank you for helping me with my zoo even though we weren’t together anymore, thank you for waking up when I called to help catch Gin, thank you for all the chats and coffees. Thank you for reaching out for one last catch up.

I’m sorry for interrupting your farewell, I had said “Hey” a few times, and when the music finally stopped, my voice was already at its loudest. I should have used the doorbell. So, thank you for not holding it against me.

Why didn’t you empty the apartment? You’ve let me see what you left behind, again. Why did you have to tell me you were flying to Berlin the moment you landed home in the UK; why did you have to tell me you were welcoming this distraction when you made the decision to go home? I feel so insignificant to you that you rather go home that try to make a relationship work, but before you even get there, you want to escape it.

Though you are right to say we are different, you made it very clear last August you no longer wanted to be here, yet to lied to yourself, to me, that you did. I’m sure by the end of it you also knew what it is to feel loneliness with someone in bed next to you. Whatever you may tell yourself, acknowledge that you never making this place your home, you never considered me in your future. And now, to tell me you want to escape from home, is yet another thousand arrows into my heart that thought it didn’t miss you. It brings back all the memories of the thoughtless words you said that demeaned all my efforts to help you make this town home.

It also bring back the happy times, that I thought was erased from my consciousness. For you, I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for, a purpose for being and to lose that apathy you have decided is you. To find the courage to make a effort to find happiness instead to settling in contentment.

For me, life before you was great; and life after you, will also be, equally as great :)


Yesterday, I was driving to Sapporo to watch Thor (REALLY good, highly recommend), and I experienced a moment of sheer joy, the first time ever.

This year, winter is late. There is no much snow. So much changes have occurred over this past 6 months that have put me on an emotional roller coaster so to speak. The final tick on the list is riding to my heart’s content. But, where is the snow!? :(

On the way, on NakayamaToge, there was a small layer of snow. It made me smile, and sing along to the tunes playing in the car :

♪ OOOOOOH pretty baaabyyyy
Don’t let me down I pray
Oh pretty baby
Now that I’ve found you stay ♪

Almost pulling into Jozankei, the snow started to flutter heavily, towards me! And I felt my chest welling up with such happiness that it could burst. My eyes teared up and I couldn’t stop smiling. This was a first for me. I believe the Japanese call it “感動” (kan-dou). There’s no exact English translation for this, but it is something along the lines of emotional involvement, or the power to stimulate an emotion response. Which is also the philosophy of another of Japanese companies like Sony, Yamaha or Asahi.

I actually had a different title for this post, one about opposites of joy and frustration. But making myself revisit that feeling of joy, peace, enough-ness, has surprisingly eased the anger in my head…

Getting hit right in the feels

A few of my babies, who I grew close to over these past 5 months in Niseko, have finally left/are leaving.

I just had to say my goodbyes with this sexy ciggie butt brain this morning

And then just another to Geoffles, who’s leaving tomorrow morning.

Goodbyes suck. But I know they are going to have the time of their lives living it up an Japan and am super happy for them! Till next time, much love <3

Blue Snorkle

This weekend is probably the weekend of the year I needed/wanted to see dandelion the most, to just go away and de-stress from all the insane tension in the Res team (at work). But the crazy in his life threatened him with crazy and now I am stuck at home.

I am getting to the point I feel like I can no longer count on anyone, at work, for any kind of help, I don’t have the kind of friends here I can count on neither.. and now, the one person here, whom I should be able to count on, has put me on the back burners.

Don’t get me wrong I am super super happy and appreciative that dandelion told me everything honestly and Skyped me through the night and we had good chats. But it doesn’t change the fact that I no longer have that support group I used to have with Gandi and Khoipoo. And I won’t lie, I don’t think I ever will again, and it feels lonely.

And now I have a whole bunch of muffins I gotta finish by myself……………… The return of the moon belleh!

Ponder of the Night: Re-energized

Wow, it has been amazing how re-energized and psyched for the winter I have become in these 2-3 short weeks my family came to visit. I have really taken for granted the preciousness and passive encouragement that comes from being around the people whom I care/love and who care for and love me back.

niseko dreaming (Medium)I have family and friends pretty much visiting Niseko (and me too!) every month this winter. Not many people who work here can say that. I feel very blessed to have people in my life who take the time to visit me (even though their main goal is the mountain =P). I also was informed this week that my two best mates are coming to Niseko for THREE weeks!! =D I didn’t get to spend much time with them last winter, so I can’t wait to see them this time round <3 much love

*come at me bro!* I am ready AND psyched for the winter hectic-ness! I hope to see you all in Niseko this winter ( ^___^ )v