Category Archives: Life in General

You cannot make a person happy

And a person cannot make you happy.


Dancing Goo

2018: Happy New Year!

2017, you’ve been a rollercoaster. You started with such a big bang! A determination, an ambition, a drive. In the middle, when I expected a high, you let me fall and crash. At the end, you picked up my broken pieces and embraced me; opening doors of opportunities, professionally and personally. And on the last day, 31 Dec, you shone so bright.

At points, I wished you away, and to go back the years.
Now, I appreciate, so very much, every challenge you threw my way to help me grow.

For that,  2017, thank you for every minute you gave me. I’ll miss you and remember you fondly. 2018, I look forward to what you’ll bring to the table. Come at me!

Happy new year to you and yours, from me and mine <3
May your 2018 be filled with love, happiness and adventures!!

Unfolding Magic

Feature photo from: The Angry Therapist

So, I’ve been wondering if/how I should write this. Seeing as that I am a fiend for logs, I figured I should. I tend to like to re-read history so to speak. Facebook’s “On This Day” is possibly one of the most exciting parts of my day on Facebook.

I’ve been so guarded, and I guess this is a human survival instinct? I feel like each time I get into a relationship, I allow myself to feel less and less; so that I don’t get hurt even more than the previous time. I have a glass ceiling for my emotions. I protect my heart, because no one else will. I know if I invest, I give everything, and then I lose everything. I am risk averse.

So, when I received Yuts’ kokuhaku, while I somewhat expected it maybe 3-4mths down the line, I was caught unawares. I blurted out so much bs abt shit that was just in the unforeseeable futures. He just very calmly asked me if I also had feelings for him. To which I said, yes. And he responded, “So, you don’t even want to try?”. I ended the conversation with, “I need to think about it…”.

Being in many failed/expired long-term relationships, has been draining. It made me not even think abt actively looking for a partner anymore. Not that I did, I think. But you know, society tells us that age is catching up, and one should have a partner to do life with. Yet I somehow convinced myself, it’s ok with just me and my fur babies.

I’m tired, but how can I expect to find someone who will give as much as I want them to, if I myself am limiting what I feel for them. It’s unfair, it’s hypocritical, it’s ridiculous. The OCD planner in me, wants to know everything. I fear the unknown (as also seen by my riding style). I deeply fear the unknown – I need to be prepared even if it’s only 1% preparedness, I need some sort of backup to know it’ll be ok, I’ll be ok.

I’m not an easy person to be with, I’m stubborn, hard-headed, slight temper. All that self doubt comes back; And so, I guard. But I realized, we’ve been working together for the last 6 months, the first week of working with me he saw me release a rage on an incompetent support hotline. Let’s just say, that rage went on for a few weeks. I dress like a hobo in the summer. I burp in the office – loudly. I burn him constantly. Also, we’ve never had any kind of physical interaction. I’m not really a big hugger. I’m the huggee, not the hugger :P But nevertheless, he’s attracted to me. Lucky me? Or, something’s wrong with him? Haha!

A good friend, Mle, had a chat with me after Yuts’ confession and basically told me I was selfish by being so guarded. Yes, everyone gets hurt sometime in their life, but hey every relationship is an unknown. The possibility of one or the other leaving will always be there. It’s not a guarantee. It might not be a messy break up, it could be people just not meshing, it could even be someone passes away; But the fact is, the Hollywood concept of “together forever” is not a guarantee. And if I were to guard myself to escape hurt, I would never experience the love I want and I would regret it. So, Angry Therapist to the rescue again.

I’ve been married and in long term relationships for most of my life. And I’ve analyzed love from every angle. And I’m tired. I’ve come full circle. I’m sixteen again. I don’t care what’s on paper. I want to fall. Backwards. Magic. My new non-negotiable.

So last night, I put my cards on the table. I want that magic. And, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to try, it was that I was afraid of maintaining a possible successful relationship and him leaving anyways. I was projecting my past. That said, just because I decide to give it a go, doesn’t mean I invest blindly, right? This isn’t a trial; if we go ahead with this, it’s because we chose each other and we’ll both try our very best to keep at it. I don’t want another “when the going gets tough, the tough gets going”, I’m looking for a partner to settle with; not a casual boyfriend to hug me in bed.

“yeh. it’s equal efforts. and, i’m pretty damn into you.”

Cat Skiing!

Provided by: Explore Niseko (050-5309-6905), THoP, HBC & Iwanai Resort

The House of Powder/Hokkaido Backcountry Club:

Cat tours are one of the best ways to access the backcountry pow! If you aren’t too keen on hiking the back bowls of Mt Annupuri-Niseko, Chisenupuri is just a 20min drive. With a pick up service from your Niseko accomodation from 08:00, you’ll be driven through the scenic mountain ranges and arrive at your destination, more commonly known by the locals as Chise.

Once we got to the location, we got to settle into there warm lodge and get kitted up with arm bands, our safety packs and beacons. THoP patroller, Lindsey, gave us a run through of what were in our packs – shovel and probe. In addition, she shows us how to assemble the equipment to use them in an efficient manner. Once we had out beacons and packs strapped on, we stepped out into the snow where other THoP patroller, Jase, had hidden some beacons. Jase provided a simplified demonstration of search and rescue in an avalanche crisis. This was such a great refresher for us who has done their Avalanche Skills Test, or, a good introduction on how to go about equipping yourself with the knowledge of mountain safety.

We did a search together as a team to test our beacons, our dummy was found and rescued! Once we were comfortable with our beacons, we loaded the cat for our first run! HBC guide, Shin, along with the THoP patrollers, takes us down the first few laps. The first lap will always follow the lift line, this basically allows us to always have a safe confirmed route to get back to the cat. The next couple of runs, we are shown some tracks through the back country! The Chise backcountry was full of deep fluffy powder and great pillows! 

Getting back on the cat is quick and easy with 2 cats on a constant loop! I suppose one could think of it as your own private mountain with the cats as your lifts! For our next run, HBC and THoP guides split the group up by terrain interest – either back down the lift line, or, further out into the back country; making this tour fun for all ability levels. After 3-4 runs, we were free to explore the mountain ourselves, or follow one of the guides.

Around 12:00, we head back down to the lodge to have a simple packed lunch that is provided. After lunch we head back up again! With an an approximate vertical elevation of 270m, the runs may be considered short; however, our group managed to do about 6-7 runs* from 10:00-12:30! The tour runs until about 3-4pm, depending on when the sun goes down for our own safety. At the end of the tour, you also have the option to head to the all natural sulphuric onsen next door for just ¥500! After soaking in the outdoor pools and mud bath, the crew takes us back to Hirafu :)

Overall, with the quick looping of the 2 cats, this tour was perfect for us to do some slashes and jump pillows in the trees, as well as the warming up and cooling down the legs with some wide powder turns!

*number of runs depends on the overall ability level of the group.

Iwanai Resort:

Iwanai Resort is currently being re-vamped. It’s offering a 360 degree panorama glass cat! The views are phenomenal. Of all the nearby cat ski tours in Niseko, Iwanai offers the longest runs at 600m vertical and steep pitches. Overall super fun! The backcountry is currently not filled in, so take care out there and make sure you have your safety pack and beacon!

Contact us at Explore Niseko (050-5309-6905) to find out more and/or book your cat experience!

Happy Snowboarding Dayz!

Yesterday, I went to Rusutsu with the brother and Yut the Beaut.

It’s been such a long time since I’ve just been so happy snowboarding. I couldn’t stop smiling; the weather, the conditions, the terrain just perfect! This just rolls off on the day that my chest was abt to explode from happiness of fluttering snow.

It just totally reminded me of The Angry Therapist‘s post:
At a low point earlier last month, I regrammed this to remind myself that 2016 WAS that fkd up friend.. 2016 was a horrible year. I was so unhappy, overworked and underpaid/underappreciated, with a partner who didn’t want to be here.

2017 I was still really negative, I felt like nothing was going to get better…
2017 saw a break up that made me feel I wasted my time, going through a not so healthy healing process (ex was still my tenant, and a crutch as he helped me with my pets), leaving a job that paid the bills, and going no where with my own company.

But, I reread this gram last night, and I had a really different thought “Hey… 2017 IS the friend that changed my life!”; I became bffs with my bff of 18yrs’ future wife whom I’m now closer to than to him, I STARTED my own company which lead me to be in different offices and making new connections, I’ve been able to snowboard way more, I’ve made new good friends, I got my 3rd fur baby, I’ve been in trying situations that let me learn so much more abt living in a foreign country that I’ve made home, I’m in a new chapter again – a growth.

And as John said in the post:

Now I hope 2018 is not a new friend but a fucking rocket that launches me to places I’ve never been to before, literally, figuratively, romantically, stretching me, pushing me, challenging me, to stack my actions on top of my words and standing on both. To run toward my true north without looking back. Or blinking. To create a wider dialogue. To let go of my kite, trusting it will fly. To love harder. To feel gratitude in my bones. To smile more. And to no longer make it about me. That is the island, where I want to go. To live a life of service and make it about others. That is my new definition of a life well lived.