All posts by クララ

About クララ

+65 in +81 // 🏂dreams // 🐰slave // 🍊life

Chai Cupcakes!

I made some chai cupcakes by Gimme Some Oven! This recipe is great! I might just substitute the spices for some Genmaicha next time!

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Ponder of the Night:­>LifeScript­

born>school>highschool>university>graduate>job>married>kids>grandkids>death

Why is it unacceptable if one fails to conscript to social norms? Well that’s a silly question, cause people trust the “norm”, the unspoken understandings that govern a society.

Personally, there are lots of reasons why I don’t want kids; I could say the world is over populated, the Earth is dying, I don’t want to be fat, I don’t want to rip apart my vagina (because that’s what happens with natural birth), but mainly I don’t see them as a need to fulfil my life. I don’t place my hopes and dreams in little poopy beings.

I can understand if 2 people love each other so much, and want to express this by bringing life into the world, because no doubt that is a pretty darn miraculous thing. But WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE CHILDREN FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING CHILDREN?! And then they look so disinterested in their children’s lives…

 

So, maybe there was a lesson after all…

It turns out that once anger and pride dissipated, I could really hear myself. And I believe, because I chose Yutacchi this is the only time that I wanted someone back. Maybe this was my test, my going gets tough test. Do I accept it and also call it quits, or do I go against what I know, calm the f down, and do something about it.

Gandi, Kim and Claire have been such a rock during this past week. Talking it out, letting my anger vent, but also questioning me. Claire convinced me to talk to Yutacchi again, even though I was so angry and was all “What’s there to talk about!?!? There’s nothing to talk about he’s made up his mind!!!!”. But as it turned out, I had so much to say and it unleashed onto Kim. Kim told me to write a letter, irregardless of if I gave it to him. She said I’d feel better. I didn’t really believe her, because I’ve just told her bulk of what I put in my letter. But she was right.

So when Yutaro and I finally talked, I could give him my letter. It had so much about me and my thoughts that he never thought to ask. And it was basically the piece of evidence to break the case. He realized that it was pretty silly not to have spoken to me about his worries, and bottling it all up.

I’m really glad we were able to talk, and continue our relationship.

I just want to say thanks to all my friends who were concerned for me, and listening to me when I was angry, sad, disappointed and empty. For keeping me sane.

Strengths & Weaknesses [II]

It’s just been 7 months since I wrote Strengths & Weaknesses… Now I’m not driven enough, the financial thing again, not wanting a biological child.

While logically, I know no part of this failed relationship is mine, that I honestly loved as hard as I could, turned my dial to give, followed the unfolding that I thought was magic… After 8 heartbreaks, and being told the same things over and over, I’m tired; empty.

It makes one feel, inadequate.

And Another One Bites the Dust

I thought he was different. He was supposed to be different. Despite his age, he proved mature. But I guess, because of his age, he is naive; and because he is naive, he is kind.

Dear Love,

We will both understand that there will be days when we can’t stand each other. There will be days when you will want to punch me in the face and I will want to take the long way home. We will disagree on things, like movies and books and politics, and what to buy at the grocery store. I will forget things. Misplace things. You will run late. Our friends will have opinions of us. We will fight. Maybe a lot. You will shut down. I will wonder. But at the end of the day, we will both come back — , to each other. And your head will always fall back on my chest. And no matter how many times we fight, we will always fight fair. That will be a non-nonnegotiable.

And we will be together knowing that we are choosing to be together. Not because of logic or loneliness or a ticking clock. Not because we look good on paper, take cute photos, or think we’ll make cute babies. Not because we’ve already committed to this. Not because we don’t want to be alone.

But because we believe in us and make a choice every, single, day, day to be in this and love each other the best way we know how. Our relationship will not be built on fear, as many are. But instead courage and transparency. And like any relationship, ours will also be hard. And like any relationship, there is no guarantee. We will not compare this to what was. Any residue we have from our past relationships we will work on individually. It is our own responsibility and what being in something healthy looks like. We will sharpen each other and I will make you feel beautiful and you will make me feel invincible and vice versa.

The only thing we can promise is to be honest and love as hard as we can. We both know there is risk. We both know we can get hurt. But we are willing to put that on the line to experience the high notes of something meaningful. We will take responsibility for our own shit but also leave leaving room for magic, and settle settling for nothing less.

John

I did it all differently this time. I opened with honesty; I laid all non-negiotables, my needs and wants on the table; I was my truest self; I tried new things; I made the decision to choose this person. Yet, the results are the same, I was not enough. I somehow entered another “I only want you, right now” relationship.

I thought he was it. That I didn’t need to search, or wait, or whatever anymore. I chose him, and I was sure as hell going to make it work. But, my original gut feeling that his age (6 years younger) does, in fact, play a pivotal role. He believes in the perfect one.

It isn’t about finding the perfect one, it’s finding the perfect in the one you’ve chosen.

Finding out what my zoo thinks

I was introduced to Natalie Chan of Guardian of Eden through a friend recently.

Friend: Hey, what do you think of animal communicators?
Me: *scoffs* what? like people who claim to speak with the dead?
Friend: Wait wait, I thought that too. But my sister did it. And she said it was quite interesting. At the end of the session, her dog told her that it was worried about her because her head looked like it was in pain. My sister had a really bad headache earlier that morning! How would the communicator have known?
Me: Maybe she’s a really good social media stalker.

Nevertheless, it intrigued me. So, I googled. Not much came up, apart from Natalie’s Instagam and Facebook, but there was 1 blog post. This review/blog about the session made me really want to book a session. As part of my skepticism, I turned all my social media to private. Hey, I like to stalk people, so I assume others do too! :P

After my session with Natalie, I really do feel like I got to speak with my pets. I do think some bits were rather generic, however, there were bits (see below) that are accurate to the individual pet! Continue reading Finding out what my zoo thinks