Feature photo from: The Angry Therapist
So, I’ve been wondering if/how I should write this. Seeing as that I am a fiend for logs, I figured I should. I tend to like to re-read history so to speak. Facebook’s “On This Day” is possibly one of the most exciting parts of my day on Facebook.
I’ve been so guarded, and I guess this is a human survival instinct? I feel like each time I get into a relationship, I allow myself to feel less and less; so that I don’t get hurt even more than the previous time. I have a glass ceiling for my emotions. I protect my heart, because no one else will. I know if I invest, I give everything, and then I lose everything. I am risk averse.
So, when I received Yuts’ kokuhaku, while I somewhat expected it maybe 3-4mths down the line, I was caught unawares. I blurted out so much bs abt shit that was just in the unforeseeable futures. He just very calmly asked me if I also had feelings for him. To which I said, yes. And he responded, “So, you don’t even want to try?”. I ended the conversation with, “I need to think about it…”.
Being in many failed/expired long-term relationships, has been draining. It made me not even think abt actively looking for a partner anymore. Not that I did, I think. But you know, society tells us that age is catching up, and one should have a partner to do life with. Yet I somehow convinced myself, it’s ok with just me and my fur babies.
I’m tired, but how can I expect to find someone who will give as much as I want them to, if I myself am limiting what I feel for them. It’s unfair, it’s hypocritical, it’s ridiculous. The OCD planner in me, wants to know everything. I fear the unknown (as also seen by my riding style). I deeply fear the unknown – I need to be prepared even if it’s only 1% preparedness, I need some sort of backup to know it’ll be ok, I’ll be ok.
I’m not an easy person to be with, I’m stubborn, hard-headed, slight temper. All that self doubt comes back; And so, I guard. But I realized, we’ve been working together for the last 6 months, the first week of working with me he saw me release a rage on an incompetent support hotline. Let’s just say, that rage went on for a few weeks. I dress like a hobo in the summer. I burp in the office – loudly. I burn him constantly. Also, we’ve never had any kind of physical interaction. I’m not really a big hugger. I’m the huggee, not the hugger :P But nevertheless, he’s attracted to me. Lucky me? Or, something’s wrong with him? Haha!
A good friend, Mle, had a chat with me after Yuts’ confession and basically told me I was selfish by being so guarded. Yes, everyone gets hurt sometime in their life, but hey every relationship is an unknown. The possibility of one or the other leaving will always be there. It’s not a guarantee. It might not be a messy break up, it could be people just not meshing, it could even be someone passes away; But the fact is, the Hollywood concept of “together forever” is not a guarantee. And if I were to guard myself to escape hurt, I would never experience the love I want and I would regret it. So, Angry Therapist to the rescue again.
I’ve been married and in long term relationships for most of my life. And I’ve analyzed love from every angle. And I’m tired. I’ve come full circle. I’m sixteen again. I don’t care what’s on paper. I want to fall. Backwards. Magic. My new non-negotiable.
So last night, I put my cards on the table. I want that magic. And, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to try, it was that I was afraid of maintaining a possible successful relationship and him leaving anyways. I was projecting my past. That said, just because I decide to give it a go, doesn’t mean I invest blindly, right? This isn’t a trial; if we go ahead with this, it’s because we chose each other and we’ll both try our very best to keep at it. I don’t want another “when the going gets tough, the tough gets going”, I’m looking for a partner to settle with; not a casual boyfriend to hug me in bed.
“yeh. it’s equal efforts. and, i’m pretty damn into you.”