Ponder of the Night:     Creativity     

So, I’ve had this blog for a long time. And, a lot of the times, I kind of wonder what to write in it. I mean, to some point my rants and vents must get old and annoying… I read other blogs and have a sense of jealously; it feels that the words just come naturally to them. They make reading the simplest things so inviting.

I never really started this blog as a means to gain followers, no that’s not really for me. Though, there really wasn’t a “goal” of “theme” to this blog neither… That said though these posts will live on in 1s and 0s in the internet; and in years to come, I’ll re-read them again, or, a partner/friend/family might read them. So, deep down, I kind of hope that they are entertaining, have some value, not to give joy per se, but not to waste someone’s time neither.

I get rather jealous of the creative types. I feel that I have always been a realist, a rational brain, going for the logical answer. I started to provide content for a local free paper that is produced by the company I am working for. And it has been rather fun, I get to have a lot of input in the content and direction of the pieces – but I worry so much that it’ll be boring because I can’t come up with the fun exciting texts that you read in magazines. I work hard to put the content down, I wonder if the words and ideas just come naturally to that of the creatively dominant brain?

Dancing Goo

Ponder of the Night:     Is it too good to be true?

I was lying in his arms, as he fell into deep sleep while my arm and leg was sprawled on top of him. Yet, he seemed so comfortable. I couldn’t quite sleep as there is a bunch of work related thoughts running in my head, so [creepily], I stare at him and I think to myself “Is it too good to be true? ah, a ponder.”

I crawled out of his arms, to get to my laptop. “No, stay in bed with me”, he whispered. I half-lied and said I needed to do some work. Which I do. But I needed to get these thoughts, concerns, fears, worries out before it joined into the snowball of work related concerns.

It’s been a ridiculously happy 3 weeks. Not just happy, but easy. Easy isn’t the right word. Natural. Comfortable. It is so comfortable that I psyche myself out – this can’t last, I will lose him. But at the same time, this time, it feels so different. It’s not a stagnation comfort – contentment. It’s a level of comfort, like I’ve known him for years. It’s as though, suddenly, I have another best friend. I want to tell him everything.

I lay there and stared at him sleeping. I wanted to tell him all my insecurities and worries. I wondered if he’ll still see me the same. I wanted to tell him how I live inside my own head and I snowball my own fears and concerns: is he a security blanket or can we inspire/encourage each other to grow; how does someone as happy as him care abt someone who is as stubborn, impatient and short tempered as I; how I wonder if this is real; how this will work; where will we go; how does this age gap affect us? But then he holds me, and it all just feels right. It’s not just feeling like 2 puzzle pieces fitting together, but it as though you’ve completed the puzzle. It feels like every expired relationship has lead me to this point. The point I prove to myself that I learnt from my mistakes, that I too deserve to be happy, that I have the ability of making someone feel loved, that I can make someone feel wanted, that someone chose me to do life with like I chose him, that I deserve to have someone who values my worth, and that I can make someone feel valued, that someone wants all of me – the pretty, and, the ugly.

“It’s too good to be true” is the phrase that repeats in my head. But why? Why is it too good to be true? Why don’t I deserve the good? Why do I think I don’t deserve the good? Why do I think a safe, healthy, comfortable love is out of my reach? Why do I think that a supportive partner is just a dream? I shouldn’t. It shouldn’t.

So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.

-Paulo Coelho


2018: Happy New Year!

2017, you’ve been a rollercoaster. You started with such a big bang! A determination, an ambition, a drive. In the middle, when I expected a high, you let me fall and crash. At the end, you picked up my broken pieces and embraced me; opening doors of opportunities, professionally and personally. And on the last day, 31 Dec, you shone so bright.

At points, I wished you away, and to go back the years.
Now, I appreciate, so very much, every challenge you threw my way to help me grow.

For that,  2017, thank you for every minute you gave me. I’ll miss you and remember you fondly. 2018, I look forward to what you’ll bring to the table. Come at me!

Happy new year to you and yours, from me and mine <3
May your 2018 be filled with love, happiness and adventures!!

Unfolding Magic

Feature photo from: The Angry Therapist

So, I’ve been wondering if/how I should write this. Seeing as that I am a fiend for logs, I figured I should. I tend to like to re-read history so to speak. Facebook’s “On This Day” is possibly one of the most exciting parts of my day on Facebook.

I’ve been so guarded, and I guess this is a human survival instinct? I feel like each time I get into a relationship, I allow myself to feel less and less; so that I don’t get hurt even more than the previous time. I have a glass ceiling for my emotions. I protect my heart, because no one else will. I know if I invest, I give everything, and then I lose everything. I am risk averse.

So, when I received Yuts’ kokuhaku, while I somewhat expected it maybe 3-4mths down the line, I was caught unawares. I blurted out so much bs abt shit that was just in the unforeseeable futures. He just very calmly asked me if I also had feelings for him. To which I said, yes. And he responded, “So, you don’t even want to try?”. I ended the conversation with, “I need to think about it…”.

Being in many failed/expired long-term relationships, has been draining. It made me not even think abt actively looking for a partner anymore. Not that I did, I think. But you know, society tells us that age is catching up, and one should have a partner to do life with. Yet I somehow convinced myself, it’s ok with just me and my fur babies.

I’m tired, but how can I expect to find someone who will give as much as I want them to, if I myself am limiting what I feel for them. It’s unfair, it’s hypocritical, it’s ridiculous. The OCD planner in me, wants to know everything. I fear the unknown (as also seen by my riding style). I deeply fear the unknown – I need to be prepared even if it’s only 1% preparedness, I need some sort of backup to know it’ll be ok, I’ll be ok.

I’m not an easy person to be with, I’m stubborn, hard-headed, slight temper. All that self doubt comes back; And so, I guard. But I realized, we’ve been working together for the last 6 months, the first week of working with me he saw me release a rage on an incompetent support hotline. Let’s just say, that rage went on for a few weeks. I dress like a hobo in the summer. I burp in the office – loudly. I burn him constantly. Also, we’ve never had any kind of physical interaction. I’m not really a big hugger. I’m the huggee, not the hugger :P But nevertheless, he’s attracted to me. Lucky me? Or, something’s wrong with him? Haha!

A good friend, Mle, had a chat with me after Yuts’ confession and basically told me I was selfish by being so guarded. Yes, everyone gets hurt sometime in their life, but hey every relationship is an unknown. The possibility of one or the other leaving will always be there. It’s not a guarantee. It might not be a messy break up, it could be people just not meshing, it could even be someone passes away; But the fact is, the Hollywood concept of “together forever” is not a guarantee. And if I were to guard myself to escape hurt, I would never experience the love I want and I would regret it. So, Angry Therapist to the rescue again.

I’ve been married and in long term relationships for most of my life. And I’ve analyzed love from every angle. And I’m tired. I’ve come full circle. I’m sixteen again. I don’t care what’s on paper. I want to fall. Backwards. Magic. My new non-negotiable.

So last night, I put my cards on the table. I want that magic. And, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to try, it was that I was afraid of maintaining a possible successful relationship and him leaving anyways. I was projecting my past. That said, just because I decide to give it a go, doesn’t mean I invest blindly, right? This isn’t a trial; if we go ahead with this, it’s because we chose each other and we’ll both try our very best to keep at it. I don’t want another “when the going gets tough, the tough gets going”, I’m looking for a partner to settle with; not a casual boyfriend to hug me in bed.

“yeh. it’s equal efforts. and, i’m pretty damn into you.”