I was lying in his arms, as he fell into deep sleep while my arm and leg was sprawled on top of him. Yet he seemed so comfortable. I couldn’t quite sleep as there is a bunch of work related thoughts running in my head, so [creepily], I stare at him and I think to myself “Is it too good to be true? ah, a ponder.”
I crawl out of his arms, to get to my laptop. “No, stay in bed with me”, he whispers. I half-lied and said I needed to do some work. Which I do. But I needed to get these thoughts, concerns, fears, worries out before it rolls into the snowball of work related concerns.
It’s been a ridiculously happy 3 weeks. Not just happy, but easy. Easy isn’t the right word. Natural. Comfortable. It is so comfortable that I psyche myself out – this can’t last, I will lose him. But at the same time, this time, it feels so different. It’s not a stagnation comfort – contentment. It’s a level of comfort like I’ve known him for years. It’s as though suddenly I have another best friend. I want to tell him everything.
I lay there and stared at him sleeping. I wanted to tell him all my insecurities and worries. I wondered if he’ll still see me the same. I wanted to tell him how I live inside my own head and I snowball my own fears and concerns: is he a security blanket or can we inspire/encourage each other to grow; how does someone as happy as him care abt someone who is as stubborn, impatient and short tempered as I; how I wonder if this is real; how this will work; where will we go; how does this age gap affect us? But then he holds me, and it all just feels right. It not just feels like 2 puzzle pieces fitting together, but it feels like a completed puzzle. It feels like every expired relationship has lead me to this point. The point I prove to myself that I learnt from my mistakes, that I too deserve to be happy, that I have the ability of making someone feel loved, that I can make someone feel wanted, that someone chose me to do life with like I chose him, that I deserve to have someone who values my worth, and that I can make someone feel valued, that someone wants all of me – the pretty, and, the ugly.
“It’s too good to be true” is the phrase that repeats in my head. But why? Why is it too good to be true? Why don’t I deserve the good? Why do I think I don’t deserve the good? Why do I think a safe, healthy, comfortable love is out of my reach? Why do I think that a supportive partner is just a dream? I shouldn’t. It shouldn’t.
So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.