i don’t want to love you anymore…
the tears in the car today were the exact opposite of the ones from last week.

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The Close of Another Chapter

“Hay Tahm”,

Hope you had a good flight home.

Since you moved out, there’s been alot of my head and my heart the past 6 months; alot of thanks, and, alot of hurts. Thank you for being such a great bun-dad. Thank you for helping me with my zoo even though we weren’t together anymore, thank you for waking up when I called to help catch Gin, thank you for all the chats and coffees. Thank you for reaching out for one last catch up.

I’m sorry for interrupting your farewell, I had said “Hey” a few times, and when the music finally stopped, my voice was already at its loudest. I should have used the doorbell. So, thank you for not holding it against me.

Why didn’t you empty the apartment? You’ve let me see what you left behind, again. Why did you have to tell me you were flying to Berlin the moment you landed home in the UK; why did you have to tell me you were welcoming this distraction when you made the decision to go home? I feel so insignificant to you that you rather go home that try to make a relationship work, but before you even get there, you want to escape it.

Though you are right to say we are different, you made it very clear last August you no longer wanted to be here, yet to lied to yourself, to me, that you did. I’m sure by the end of it you also knew what it is to feel loneliness with someone in bed next to you. Whatever you may tell yourself, acknowledge that you never making this place your home, you never considered me in your future. And now, to tell me you want to escape from home, is yet another thousand arrows into my heart that thought it didn’t miss you. It brings back all the memories of the thoughtless words you said that demeaned all my efforts to help you make this town home.

It also bring back the happy times, that I thought was erased from my consciousness.
Life before you was great; and life after you, will also be, equally as great.

感動

Yesterday, I was driving to Sapporo to watch Thor (REALLY good, highly recommend), and I experienced a moment of sheer joy, the first time ever.

This year, winter is late. There is no much snow. So much changes have occurred over this past 6 months that have put me on an emotional roller coaster so to speak. The final tick on the list is riding to my heart’s content. But, where is the snow!? :(

On the way, on NakayamaToge, there was a small layer of snow. It made me smile, and sing along to the tunes playing in the car :

♪ OOOOOOH pretty baaabyyyy
Don’t let me down I pray
Oh pretty baby
Now that I’ve found you stay ♪

Almost pulling into Jozankei, the snow started to flutter heavily, towards me! And I felt my chest welling up with such happiness that it could burst. My eyes teared up and I couldn’t stop smiling. This was a first for me. I believe the Japanese call it “感動” (kan-dou). There’s no exact English translation for this, but it is something along the lines of emotional involvement, or the power to stimulate an emotion response. Which is also the philosophy of another of Japanese companies like Sony, Yamaha or Asahi.

I actually had a different title for this post, one about opposites of joy and frustration. But making myself revisit that feeling of joy, peace, enough-ness, has surprisingly eased the anger in my head…

Day 3 – All seems well?

Like last night, I closed the partition to my room, but I left a small bunny size gaps for Puff and Mop to come and go as they pleased. Same with the night before, this allowed Gin to go to sleep within 5mins of not seeing me.

This morning at 4am, Puff went binky and zoomy crazy in my room and woke me up! So, it seems things are picking up. Again, I haven’t done anything special but let the buns do their own thing.

It’s very important that Gin doesn’t get free roam of the house, so that the buns still feel safe and in control. That said, Gin gets PLENTY of action outside of the house. He is more than happy to give up sleep and meet new people, places, and animals!

Today he met a boxer, a dalmatian puppy and some cats! He even went shopping in the local home depot.

Needless to say, the buns were happy to roam around the house without a whiny pup, and Gin is now too pooped to whine. In fact, he was already asleep by 10pm (abt 15mins after we got home) with ALL the lights on and me in plain sight :)

So far, so good. PHEW!

Day 2 – Angry Puffy?

I think Puffy heard Gin wake up and he thumped twice at 08:00. I fed Gin first, then the buns. Puffy ate his breakfast because I kept the door closed.

I took Gin outside to try and get him to go potty, but my neighbours were heading off to work, and he was too excited so I think he forgot to go potty. While Gin was outside, I let the buns out of my room back into their domain. After an hour, I brought Gin back in and Puffy didn’t stomp at all!

When Gin is at home, I do not allow him out of his pen. Except for the closed bathroom, where I try to do some training. At the moment, I am trying to get Gin to know his name and sit. Anyways, so even though Gin was whining and yelping to be let out, the buns don’t really react. In fact, Moppy stays flopped or loafed. Puff still hid in grumpy corner so I couldn’t really see him (I was watching TV :P).

Over the course of the day, Puffy got more curious/judgmental. I haven’t done any actual bonding, rather just let the buns sniff Gin if they want.

Puff isn’t really running away from me because I smell like Gin, but rather if I smell like Gin’s smelly food! :P He’s back to my normal sticky, [angry,] sleepy boy <3 :P

Day 1 – Welcome Gin!

Yesterday, I headed to the breeder to pick up my Sheltie puppy, Gin! He had just turned 60 days and it was time for me to pick him up. I am worried that he won’t get along with Puffy, but not so much with Moppy. Honestly, I thought Moppy would try to bully the pup!

Gin is a very good boy, he didn’t cry or whine in the car ride home (almost 1.5hrs!), even went to sleep.  When we got home, it was exactly as I expected, Puffy bolted the other direction while Moppy was clueless as to what was happening and what Gin was :P

Since Puffy was thumping (possibly scared) and Gin was whining from seeing the 2 buns running around, I decided to put the buns in my room for the night and close the divider doors. This proved to have worked. Gin pretty much immediately stopped whining and went to sleep. Puffy felt safe and started eating treats and his hay, and did pewppewps! As bunny owners, you know this is extremely important! To make sure your bunny is eating and that poops are also happening. Puffy’s cocopops were normal sized, phew!

Around 3am, Puffy started thumping non-stop for about 30mins. He calmed down a little when I held him, but overall he doesn’t really like this. He didn’t want to stay in bed, just wanted to thump at me. At first, I thought he was scared, but I believe Gin was sleeping, so I wasn’t sure why he suddenly started thumping after 3-4 hours of sleep. As I began to fall asleep again, Puff started thumping again, but this time grunting too! I believe he was angry at me for bringing ANOTHER creature into his kingdom/domain! This is definitely a bunny/Puffy house, not mine :'(

In my sleepy head, I thought, what if I sleep on the floor with Puff and Mop… So, I did. And, surprisingly, it worked! Puff stopped thumping, but jumped all over me. If you know Puff, you know he is the ultimate gentlebun, so this meant he wasn’t happy with me. Nevertheless, he felt better, and didn’t thump until Gin woke up…